Drew sent these to me. I just couldn't resist posting them:
1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
3. Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
4. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and -- standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories -- causing the manager to come out of his office to ask them to please leave. "But, why?" they ask, "Because, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilet seats. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." (apparently this is a Gershwin quote)
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
9. A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana in his hand. Police suspect a cereal killer.
10. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
By the way, the guy who wrote these puns entered them in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
So I sprained my ankle. More of a bad twist, but it is blue and swollen. Here's how it happened: I was skydiving with a friend who's in the Air Force and my parachute failed to open. Luckily, I was able to spot a trampoline in somebody's backyard to land on. Of course, this catapulted me up onto the roof of the house next-door. So I had to jump off and grab a tree nearby to get down. You can see a clip of it here.
Ok, so I actually twisted my ankle on some broken pavement running to catch my bus. However, I think that the other story is much more exciting, so I think I'll stick with it.
Update on the squirrel front: I saw a squirrel with a mayonnaise wrapper in his mouth the other day. It was one of those metal ones, and it couldn't have been good for him. I tried to talk him into putting it down, but as I am not very conversant in Squirrelese, I was unable to get my point across. Indeed, I also did not want to compromise my newly-made peace by a simple understanding. All I can hope is that the squirrel is using the wrapper as a sun reflector in order to improve his tan.
Boy, looking over this entry, I'm reminded of a famous movie quote. I think it's from the Wizard of Oz: "If only I had a brain..."
So here I am sitting in the good ole UL wasting time in grand
fashion. This class might not be quite so hard as I
expected. I think that the first week was kind of an expedited
weed-out period. Our readings are much shorter and much less
numerous now. Oh, and that paper? It was perhaps the worst
paper I have ever written (I'll post a link later so you can read it
and laught at me). I wrote it in the four hours I have
in the morning before class. Yeah, so I got an "A". My only
guess is that she had to give out at least one A and everybody else's
papers were even worse. I may do the other paper (she takes the
higest of the two grades, so I don't have to do it) anyway just to show
her that that is not the way I actually write.
On the squirrel front there have been some new developments.
Earlier this week I got to campus before the library opened, so I
grabbed a muffin (chocolate chip muffins don't count as healthy) and
sat down at one of the outside tables at "The Daily Grind". So
i'm sitting there, minding my own matters and munching my muffin
(ooh, nice and alliterative) and this squirrel comes up to me! I
mean, he gets like a foot away. He was kinda skittish, and I
think he might have been on drugs or something, but nonetheless, he
came up to me. So I stare at him, and he stares back for a few
minutes. Then he stands up on his hind legs and puts his front
paws out exactly the way Jackson does when he's begging! It was
so cool! So I tossed him a piece of muffin. He ran off in
the opposite direction from where it landed and then slowly worked his
way in until he came across the muffin bit, acting surprised when he
found it. I tossed him a couple of other pieces, finished the
muffin and we parted our ways. Now, I know that this little peace
offering in no way compensates for the loss of the beloved squirrel I
squished (let's call her Betsy). Betsy's life was worth much more
than a few nibbles of a preservative-laden muffin. However, this
connection was my sign of good faith to the squirrel community at
large. I hope they understand I have nothing against
squirrelkind, and "The Betsy Incident" as it has come to be known was
nothing more than a tragic accident. I look forward to further
reconciliation with the squirrel population.
This whole episode has reminded me of my times at GW, with the Great
Gopher War and the albino squirrel sightings. If you are ever
beyond bored and would like to see what the journal of a crazy person
looks like, you should check it out. http://www.angelfire.com/apes/dcpatrick/
